Piss poor joke [Archive] - Page 2

ZappaFan

25-01-2008, 05:29 AM

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the mixture for
good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would
happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

ZappaFan

25-01-2008, 05:36 AM

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key underthe mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, hediscovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, justas she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairmango about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't containhimself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Highway Star

07-02-2008, 08:22 AM

S O M E T I M ES

Sometimes...

when you cry...
no one sees your tears

Sometimes...

when you are in pain...
no one sees that you are hurt

Sometimes...

when you are worried..
no one sees your stress

Sometimes...
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile
-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

But FART!! just ONE time..

And everybody seems to know!!

daveyravey

07-02-2008, 12:56 PM

That's very true, especially when it pums

Six

21-02-2008, 11:06 AM

Crafty rednecks

Floyd - "Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

Sheriff - "Yes. What can I do for you?"

Floyd - "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there.."

Sheriff - "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

Floyd - "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

Virgil - "Yeah!"

Floyd - "Did they chop your firewood?"

Virgil - "Yep!"

Floyd - "Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Six

27-02-2008, 01:05 PM

Spoonerism Fairytale

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. By the end of each day she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the others was called Betty Swollocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and felly smannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but the cotten runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a lash of flight and a loud bucking fang. Rindercella looked up to see her gairy fodmother standing there. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage and six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella that she would go to the ball but must be back my bidnight otherwise there would be a right cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the strock cluck twelve. “Oh for suck fake!” exclaimed Rindercella as she ran outside, tumbled tarse over it and lost a slass glipper in the process.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and one of the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swollocks cocked a leg and let off a fig bart. “Who fust jarted?” asked the prandsome hince. “It was that fugly ucker over there” said Betty Swollocks whilst fointing her pinger in the direction of Mary Hinge. When the stinking cloud had lifted he tried the slass glipper on both of the sugly isters without success. The stucking fink from their feet did not go unnoticed and the prandsome hince made it known.

Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted with him and delivered a swift knack to his kickers. Her aim was easy because he had bucking fuge halls and a great hig bard-on.

Finally he tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and much to his relief it fitted pucking ferfectly.

The end.

Lyle

27-02-2008, 03:58 PM

LOL = that was class Six

Highway Star

12-03-2008, 08:37 AM

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the lifeof the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Norm

asta

13-03-2008, 08:42 PM

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists
you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of
other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and
I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room
and approached the desk. The receptionist said,
'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to
see the doctor today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You
shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say
things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,'
he said.

The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should
have said, 'There is something wrong with your ear or
something and discussed the problem further with the
doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions
in a room full of strangers, if the answer could
embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several
minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,
knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong
with your ear, sir! ?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Stew

13-03-2008, 08:45 PM

pmsl

daveyravey

14-03-2008, 10:58 AM

:lol::lol::lol:

celteire

14-03-2008, 04:54 PM

pmsl

nothig wrong with your ear then!...

Highway Star

16-03-2008, 02:45 PM

A guitar player goes to the doctor and complains about a serious deterioration of his memory. He especially has a hard time remembering correct time changes and is afraid he will lose all his gigs. Since the doctor can't find the cause, he suggests the guitar player leaves his brain behind for a week at the laboritory for a more thorough and detailed examination. After seven days the guitar player fails to show up, and even after 2 more weeks there's no sign of him. Finally the doctor runs into him on the street, grabs him and asks: "Excuse me, but your brain is still waiting for you at the laboritory to stop by and pick it up, so... why didn't you show?" The guitar player says, "Well, actually you may as well keep it..... I've switched to drums..."

daveyravey

16-03-2008, 06:01 PM

Ohhhhhh bitchy :lol:

zombo

16-03-2008, 09:34 PM

Rick

28-04-2008, 12:47 PM

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

'I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car', said the male driver

'No way, get stuffed', replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and Â£10?' asked the driver.

'No way', replied the irritated youngster.

'What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, he'? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

'No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!' answered the boy

'OK, I know what you want, I'll give you Â£100 and a bag of lollies', the driver offered.

'NO,' screamed the boy.

'What will it take to get you into the car'? asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied, 'Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it.'

Highway Star

28-04-2008, 02:32 PM

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup..'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a bed near the window?'

Lyle

01-07-2008, 04:49 PM

http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s79/Shwang_Shwinga/Halt.jpg

bigdoug

03-07-2008, 09:01 AM

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home
'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

ZappaFan

06-07-2008, 05:34 AM

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and the n arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie the n explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was Â£5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.
Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper,

'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'

ZappaFan

06-07-2008, 05:36 AM

A Woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to
look at her.....

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey......

The woman signaled 'No!', desperately shaking her head. .......

Kin ya breathe? asked Bazza

The woman shook her head - 'NO'!!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.
.....

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
.....

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind
Lick Maneuver, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.

ZappaFan

06-07-2008, 05:40 AM

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party...

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger re sponds , 'I'd like to speak to my horse.... alone.'

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, 'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . .. BRING POSSEE!'

ZappaFan

13-07-2008, 05:51 AM

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

ZappaFan

13-07-2008, 06:04 AM

Duties of Wives!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
Given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he
had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married aEnglish girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he
didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the
third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and call a handyman.

ZappaFan

12-09-2008, 10:12 AM

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photo's of Coulthard's bird in the shower

Stew

12-09-2008, 04:37 PM

Great joke Zap but my eyes are sore trying to see the blue lol

TheGummy

12-09-2008, 04:47 PM

i had that problem, then realised that if you highlight it with the mouse it becomes much clearer :-)

ZappaFan

12-09-2008, 08:15 PM

Sorry guys, I was using the other style on the forum

ZappaFan

19-09-2008, 02:03 PM

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'
There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?''

ZappaFan

24-09-2008, 08:08 AM

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

And the moral of the story?
(Yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

'When you're Hung Like a Horse, You Don't Need a Harley to Pick Up Chicks'

bigdoug

13-10-2008, 08:46 PM

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776 ).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Lyle

14-10-2008, 10:18 AM

class BigD

isn't that the letter that John Cleese wrote

bigdoug

14-10-2008, 10:53 AM

pass, I wasnt me thats all I know.

Stew

14-10-2008, 04:19 PM

Classic Neil hope the US contigent don't get the hump with that :lol:

ZappaFan

27-10-2008, 08:38 PM

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time..

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would

you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

ZappaFan

27-10-2008, 08:39 PM

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.

bigdoug

28-10-2008, 11:42 AM

lmao good ones Zap.

Two druggies in Edinburgh had run out of stuff and desperate for a fix they snorted some curry powder. Well they ended up getting rushed to hospital and both are in intensive care cos one has a dogey TIKKA and the other is still in a KORMA.

zombo

28-10-2008, 07:09 PM

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.

Hey I got one on mine !!!!

zombo

28-10-2008, 07:11 PM

ZappaFan

28-10-2008, 08:08 PM

Sorry John, I was just passing on a couple of jokes that were sent to me ............ I know it's not really true, they wouldn't make it European City of Culture if it was .... would they ? :-)

Stew

28-10-2008, 08:26 PM

Dee doo dat dee don't doh deh

H_81lFc-qrc&feature=related

Rick

03-11-2008, 09:21 AM

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch,
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,
'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us'.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'
The girl leaned over and said,

' Burrr-Gurrr-King'

Rick

04-11-2008, 02:31 PM

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger..
In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.
What is your first request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the
horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?'
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous
brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
'What is your last request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse - alone.'
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

'Listen very carefully - for .... the .... last ....f**king time, I said .....

'BRING POSSE'

Lyle

08-11-2008, 03:01 PM

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says,
"Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat
leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between
them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is
out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the
situation, but is not sharp enough.

Then D comes into the bar and heads straight for the
bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

Then A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not
convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then
the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of
the bar and exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh
minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar
the NEXT night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined
shoes.

The bartender says: "You're looking sharp tonight,
come on in! This could be a major development. "

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off
the suit, and everything else, and is now au naturel.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror
that he's under a rest.

The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of
contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is
sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale
correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any
wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations
to the contrary are bass less.

The bartender decides he needs a rest - and closes the
bar.

Rob

08-11-2008, 04:02 PM

ZappaFan

13-11-2008, 05:53 PM

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

ZappaFan

20-11-2008, 04:34 PM

Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phyto-estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1-hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1. Gained weight.
2. Talked excessively without making sense.
3. Became overly emotional.
4. Couldn't drive.
5. Failed to think rationally.
6. Argued over nothing.
7. Had to sit down while urinating.
8. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary

Rick

26-11-2008, 03:39 PM

One day in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting.
He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'
God pointed downwards through the clouds.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'
'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,
'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle
East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there
is a continent of black people.'
God continued, pointing to the different countries.
This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will
be very cold and covered in ice.'
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed
to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'
'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England,
the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in
the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the
home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and
politicians.
The people from the North of England are going to be
modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.' Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'
God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch
of tossers I'm putting down South !

ZappaFan

27-11-2008, 04:09 PM

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex ...
Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading this thread .....

You hang in there sunshine!

Stew

27-11-2008, 05:59 PM

Rick

11-02-2009, 03:17 PM

Scouse Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they
weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor
and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative
was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
'1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can
between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesborough, parts of Bradford,
Huddersfield and anywhere in Wales!

ZappaFan

11-02-2009, 03:37 PM

zombo

03-03-2009, 06:32 PM

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released today.'

Rick

03-03-2009, 07:42 PM

pmsl

mullyman

03-03-2009, 11:03 PM

This woman has a very strict and jealous husband that hardly ever lets her do anything on her own. Well, on her birthday her friends wanted to take her out for the evening and the husband relented but told her she had to be home by midnight.

So she goes out with her friends and as you suspected they ended up partying hard at a male strip bar. Well, the evening turns to night and one thing leads to another and she's as drunk as a skunk and before you know it it's going on 3 in the morning when she arrives home.

She knows at this late hour her husband is asleep so when she gets to the door she gently opens and sneaks in. Once inside she's very careful closing the door and crossing the living room. Well, just about that time the cuckoo clock goes off and cuckoo's 3 times. Thinking her husband may have been awakened by this she thinks quickly and cuckoo's herself 9 more times so it sounds like midnight instead of 3:00am. She's actually pretty proud of herself for thinking so quickly under the circumstances and she stumbles into the bedroom and quietly gets into bed and goes to sleep.

The next morning at breakfast the husband says "What time did you get in last night?" to which she replies "It was around midnight." So the husband says "I think we need to get the clock fixed." She says "Why" and he says "Well, the clock went off at midnight. It cuckoo'd 3 times, cleared it's throat, cuckoo'd 2 more times and said "Oh shit"......

MULLY

fazerroy

05-03-2009, 08:54 AM

Two blondes walked into a building...................................

you'd have thought that one of them would have seen it..................

I'll get me coat

zombo

16-03-2009, 07:02 PM

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra! ' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks..

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'well I'll be! ****' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am glad to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

ZappaFan

16-03-2009, 07:09 PM

alanstt225

04-04-2009, 10:23 AM

Typically Irish and I'm halfway there !

Rick

19-04-2009, 11:08 AM

SMART*ARSE ANSWERS
The last one is a worthy winner.

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

Rick

20-04-2009, 02:08 PM

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for the payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,
'says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu then?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say. You just can't trust a genie!''

Lyle

28-05-2009, 11:38 AM

So what if Jesus turned water into wine? I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus...

Rick

07-06-2009, 05:17 PM

bloke goes into a brothel and asks "how much for humiliation"

the woman says "£37.50"

bloke says "what do i get for that then?"

woman says " a newcastle united shirt"

Rick

08-07-2009, 05:28 PM

An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I wa s 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.

"Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat !

Rick

08-07-2009, 05:56 PM

A local gay bar was burned to the ground last night.

The blaze was attended by 80 firefighters.... along with 40 Red Indians, 30 Construction Workers and 20 Cowboys.

Rick

21-07-2009, 04:59 AM

Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Russell Brand?

Russell Brand kind of looks like a girl.

Highway Star

17-08-2009, 08:06 AM

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how
he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

”Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, “I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.”

”You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,

”Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad. Apparently…. he had the time of his life.”

Rick

03-09-2009, 03:24 PM

Teaching maths.. 1970 and on..

> 1. Teaching maths in 1970
> A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
> His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
> What is his profit?
>
> 2. Teaching Maths In 1980
> A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
> His cost of production is 80% of the price.
> What is his profit?
>
> 3. Teaching Maths In 1990
> A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
> His cost of production is £80.
> How much was his profit?
>
> 4. Teaching Maths In 2000
> A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
> His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
> Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
>
> 5. Teaching Maths In 2005
> A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
> inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation
> of our woodlands.
> Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the
> logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
>
> 6. Teaching Maths In 2009
> A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
> offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling
> licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and
> Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He
> has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not
> have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be
> a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details
> circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to
> court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is
> released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a
> camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for
> harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he
> is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the
> black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and
> pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos
> sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly
> tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and
> is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced
> £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government
> contractor.
> Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
> arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20
> profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for
> the rest of his life?
>
> 7. Teaching Maths In 2010
> A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan
> to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all of his and their money on
> a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama
> and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million
> pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest
> losses.
> The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry.
> However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
> regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
> Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it
> back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their
> cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their
> relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport
> them at the government’s expense. Following their holiday back home they
> return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The
> logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on
> the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a
> gang master.
> The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses
> are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the
> difference on expenses and allowances.
> You do the maths.
>
> 8. Teaching Maths 2030
> أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. ! صاحب تكلفة
> الانت=D 8ج من
> الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

ZappaFan

03-09-2009, 03:26 PM

:-)

Stew

03-09-2009, 03:58 PM

that is good!!

mullyman

04-09-2009, 10:29 AM

Q: What does a fish say when it runs into a concrete wall?
A: Dam!!

Q: What do you call a chicken walking down the street?
A: Poultry in motion

bloodandtears

04-09-2009, 11:26 AM

the maths gag was hilarious..

Rick

07-10-2009, 05:08 PM

A man was teasing his ex wifes new husband: "so hows the 2nd hand fanny?" new husband replies " its great thanks....after the first 3 inches its brand new"

Lewis

07-10-2009, 07:20 PM

LOL that is class PMSL

lesray

18-11-2009, 07:35 PM

in the seventies when i was young i joined a band and the singer was crap. we all learned our parts off the record and got to the rehersal (now bearing in mind i come from Newcastle) in the song substitute instead of the singer singing i was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth, he sang,I WAS BORN IN A SPASTIC SCHOOL IN TYNEMOUTH needless to say i pmsl and got sacked .

zombo

19-11-2009, 10:14 PM

Q. How do you get rid of an old boomerang?
A. You through it up a one way street!

Q. Why did the one handed man cross the road?
A. To go to the second-hand shop!

Q. Why couldn't the skeleton go to the party?
A. Because he didn't have any body to go with!

Q. Why do barbers make good drivers?
A. Because they always know the short cuts

Doctor doctor! I think I'm an apple !
Well sit down then, I won't bite you

Q. Why did Paddy pay £10 for a sheet of sandpaper?
A. He thought it was a map of the Sahara Desert!

Two men from Ireland were Talking in a Pub
'I wouldn't go to America if you paid me,' said Michael.
'Why is that?' asked the Patrick.
'Well for one thing, they all drive on the right hand side of the road there.'
'And what's wrong with that?' inquired Patrick.
'Well', said Michael, 'I tried it driving in Dublin the other day and it's terrible.'

Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out with the shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off. Naturally she reported the matter to the police.' What did he look like?, the sergeant asked. 'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.

Paddy was mugged by some thugs who hit him over the head with a big bag of potatoes a policeman ran to his aid and asked if Paddy was alright? I’m a bit shaken up he replied! So the officer asked Paddy if he could identify them again and he replied yes sir I think they were King Edwards

Lewis

24-02-2010, 12:01 PM

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

Lewis

03-03-2010, 03:34 PM

Little boy asks dad where poo comes from?
Dad explains food passes down the oesophagus to stomach where digestive enzymes induce aprobiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as "poo"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
Blimey says the little boy, so where the fook does Tigger come from?
__________________

Rick

15-05-2010, 05:41 AM

A man walked into his supermarket and asked to buy
half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they
only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager
about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the
manager, "some old bastard wants to buy a half a head
of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find
that the man was standing right behind him,

So he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly
offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his
way. Later, the Manager said to the boy, " I was
impressed with the way you got yourself out of that
situation earlier, we like people who can think on
their feet here, where are you from son?"

"Jamaica , sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Jamaica ?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and
football players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is
from Jamaica !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

ZappaFan

15-05-2010, 06:33 AM

:-)

Rick

19-05-2010, 03:39 PM

A lottery winner from Padiham, has after negotiations purchased Burnley Football Club from current chairman Barry Kilby.
His wife was quoted as saying "he's absolutely delighted with the purchase, but just think what he could have bought if he had drawn all 6 numbers."

celteire

19-05-2010, 07:40 PM

A senior citizen, 76, drove his brand new BMW convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down the road, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a cop car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the cop to arrive.
Pulling in behind him, the cop walked up to the BMW, looked at his watch and said,
'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a cop. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir' replied the cop

celteire

19-05-2010, 07:42 PM

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears,
he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made
passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carol agreed
and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Carol 's shoulder and said, 'Darling?
Please? Just one more time before I die?' She agreed, and then
afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his
head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only
have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen, I'm not
trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning - you
don't......'

celteire

19-05-2010, 07:45 PM

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "what is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son, "go and get your mother."

celteire

19-05-2010, 07:50 PM

The host of a fancy dress opens the door and sees his best friend standing there, stark naked with a girl on his back.

"Christ Mick," he says, "What did you come as?"

"A snail Tom. This is Michelle."

celteire

19-05-2010, 07:50 PM

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."

celteire

19-05-2010, 07:54 PM

I gave up my job in the helium balloon factory yesterday. I didn't like the way people were talking to me.

celteire

19-05-2010, 07:54 PM

This fella was very depressed;his friends tried to raise his spirts, taking him to football, the pub, playing darts, anything that might cheer him up but nothing worked. They decided to throw him a surprise party with a stripper. At the party this beautifull woman wearing a wee mini skirt danced provocatively up to him and raising her skirt said 'superrr fanny.' 'Ah', said the depressed man. 'maybe I'll just have the soup'

celteire

19-05-2010, 07:56 PM

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please
come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to get started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed
to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on
the box, it's a rooster.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with
the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then
looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter
what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
anything resembling a rooster.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I
want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said
with a deep sigh, . .. . .. .. .. ..

'Let's put
all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

celteire

19-05-2010, 07:57 PM

Why can't Hedgehogs just share the hedge?

celteire

19-05-2010, 07:59 PM

A young couple get married and every evening when they get in from work at 6.15 they go straight to bed for a bit of "Hows your father"
This is going on for six months until the wife gets a bad dose of the flu and has to go to her doctor.
The doctor gives her an injection which kills every germ in her body except three. There are only three germs left.
The three germs get together and discuss a strategy in case she gets a second injection and they might all be wiped out.
The first germ says he will go up and hide behind her ear under her hair.
The second germ decides to hide down under her big toe nail hoping he would be safe there.
The third germ says, "You two idiots can do what you like but when the 6.15 pulls out of here this evening,I'm going to be on it"!

celteire

19-05-2010, 08:00 PM

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 12-hour night shift.
Preparing to write a cheque
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without miss...ing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some arsehole's got my pen!

Lyle

20-05-2010, 09:02 PM

What happened when the drummer locked his keys in his car?

He had to smash a window to get the bass player out.

Lyle

07-06-2010, 04:38 PM

Duran Duran are doing the England World Cup song - "His name is Rio and he watches from the stand....."

ZappaFan

07-06-2010, 04:45 PM

Duran Duran are doing the England World Cup song - "His name is Rio and he watches from the stand....."

:-)

Lyle

22-06-2010, 04:42 PM

The England Football team went to visit an orphanage today. "Its heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Jamal, aged 6.

ZappaFan

22-06-2010, 05:16 PM

The England Football team went to visit an orphanage today. "Its heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Jamal, aged 6.

seems to be just the one joke being shared around at the moment.

Oh well at least it gives those north of the border a sense of involvement in the world cup that they otherwise wouldn't have :cheeky1:

Stew

22-06-2010, 06:02 PM

South African police are concerned about the World Cup and the amount of drug deals, assaults and thefts taking place during the tournament. They expect it to calm down when England get eliminated and John Terry takes his family home.

Stew

22-06-2010, 06:04 PM

World Cup fixtures: On Monday, Argentina meet Brazil in Cape Town. On Tuesday, Spain meet Italy in Johanesburg and on Wednesday, England meet France at the Airport haha!

Stew

22-06-2010, 06:06 PM

What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.

Stew

22-06-2010, 06:06 PM

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

Rick

22-06-2010, 06:52 PM

fnarr fnarr

Lyle

22-06-2010, 07:40 PM

seems to be just the one joke being shared around at the moment.

Oh well at least it gives those north of the border a sense of involvement in the world cup that they otherwise wouldn't have :cheeky1:

TBH, it wouldn't matter if we were in it or not, we'd still be telling these jokes :smile:

FWIW, I really really really hate football.....

Rick

06-07-2010, 07:09 AM

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground..

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

bloodandtears

06-07-2010, 12:30 PM

pmsl

celteire

07-07-2010, 04:15 PM

lol!

Lyle

27-07-2010, 04:46 PM

Here is part of European directive 164/EU/lang/66

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

After years of intense negotiatons directive 164 as it shall be known has been passed.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling and language can be a complicated language to learn and had some room for improvement so has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, it vil bekum aparunt zat spekin German vud not be abl to akumadat zis chang, so ze dezizun vas korekt to prozed vis English az ze vun Uropean langvig vor al.

celteire

27-07-2010, 05:55 PM

Here is part of European directive 164/EU/lang/66

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

..........................................

Und efter ze fifz yer, it vil bekum aparunt zat spekin German vud not be abl to akumadat zis chang, so ze dezizun vas korekt to prozed vis English az ze vun Uropean langvig vor al.

ha!.brilliant!...

Stew

27-07-2010, 09:10 PM

classic

mullyman

28-07-2010, 08:15 AM

Did you hear about the worst blow job in the history of mankind?

It was awesome.

Highway Star

18-08-2010, 06:01 AM

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running....."

mjknowles

18-08-2010, 11:47 PM

(Before marriage)

Husband: I can hardly wait.
Wife: Do you want me to leave?
Husband: Don't even think about it.
Wife: Do you love me?
Husband: Of course, always have, always will.
Wife: Have you cheated on me?
Husband: No, why are you even asking!
Wife: Will you kiss me?
Husband: Every chance I get.
Wife: Will you hit me?
Husband: Hell no, are you crazy!
Wife: Can I trust you?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Darling.

(After marriage, read from bottom to top)

Highway Star

16-10-2010, 01:41 PM

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

Rick

04-11-2010, 01:42 PM

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops."

bigdoug

04-11-2010, 04:01 PM

:grin: so true

celteire

04-11-2010, 08:40 PM

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
---------------------------------------------------------------
"We're having granite worktops."

PMSL!.............

its great hearing a good joke every now and then...

Lewis

04-11-2010, 09:53 PM

LMFAO that was class :-D

Rick

08-11-2010, 06:16 PM

A doctor in Dublin wanted a day off to go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a gorgeous young woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting, including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

Rick

26-04-2011, 06:23 PM

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.................................................. ...................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

.................................................. ................................................
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've left the blood y "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".

.................................................. ................................

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Rick

08-05-2011, 11:34 AM

When being interviewed on the news recently,
The employer of the human cannon who tragically died last week was quoted as saying

"I'll really miss him, I'll struggle to find somebody of his calibre again"

Rick

16-05-2011, 07:56 PM

I met a girl in a nightclub and told her 'I'm going to f*ck you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine'.

She replied, 'Wow, let's go, it's good to find a man with such stamina these days'.

For some reason she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan.

midiwiz

26-09-2011, 01:58 PM

Jennie Craig for men!!!
A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there before him stands a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. (Read on)

... She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later after huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day, there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day, there's a knock at the door and, when he opens it, he finds a huge, muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Rick

26-09-2011, 03:15 PM

pmsl!

Stew

26-09-2011, 06:13 PM

lol tha needs to steal that for facebook :smile:

midiwiz

28-09-2011, 03:39 AM

Nah, I already stole that from FB....

Rick

08-11-2011, 06:41 PM

8297

Highway Star

14-12-2011, 08:31 AM

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop wanking, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

Ha!

Farl

zombo

16-12-2011, 06:10 PM

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because

he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them

stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning

with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly,

I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same

thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man,

that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's

man... The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and

bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.

They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.

I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him

good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."

Highway Star

17-01-2012, 04:49 PM

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on?".

Lyle

22-01-2012, 10:06 PM

What do cake and Eric Clapton have in common?

They're both shit without cream.

ZappaFan

22-01-2012, 10:33 PM

What do cake and Eric Clapton have in common?

They're both shit without cream.

:cheeky1:

midiwiz

05-02-2012, 06:46 AM

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between grandmothers and grandfathers? Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't?