View Full Version : Piss poor joke
An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty.
"What's the problem?" asks the doctor.
"Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."
sorry! you were warned
Ah, but did you hear the Japanese had invented the fastest camera in the world? It's reputed to have taken a photo of a women with her mouth shut, but so far that's only rumour..............
Ah, but did you hear the Japanese had invented the fastest camera in the world? It's reputed to have taken a photo of a women with her mouth shut, but so far that's only rumour..............
well i've heard some bullshit in my time. They put man on the moon, they have made a needle so small that it can inject single cells, they even made micr$oft windows work ish. but nobody is that clever.
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks", the girl says.
The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
bloodandtears
20-12-2004, 05:20 PM
"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
i heard thats satch's does his infamous fill.... :roll:
A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment,
and after some small talk,they retired to his bedroom and made love.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,"So...you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No."
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed.
This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming,
bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Danish
zombo
03-05-2005, 05:46 PM
Whats the difference between the inlaws and the outlaws ?????????
Outlaws are wanted !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No. 1
A blond and brunette were walking along the High Street. As they pass a florist’s the brunette swears loudly. The blonde then asks what the problem was. The brunette replied that she had seen her boyfriend in the florist’s buying a large bouquet of flowers which meant that she would be spending the next weekend flat on her back with her legs apart. Couldn’t you buy a vase asked the blonde!!!!!!!!
No. 2
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
Ees.....
?
?
?
?
?
?
Ees, a Ham Bush"
According to a news report, a certain private school
in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but
after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them and the next day
the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be
done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them
there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip
prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to
clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it
had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to
show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the
toilet,and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have
been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
An Irish Confession:
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose Woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to be findin' out sooner or later, so
you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed."
"Was it Molly McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads!"
===========================================
Johnny O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
Johnny said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Johnny won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
zombo
03-05-2005, 10:38 PM
TALENT RON SHOULD BE ON TELLY LOVED THE ACCENTS ON THE TWO MEXICANS AND THE OIRISH STUFF GREAT !!!!
Mr Smith
04-05-2005, 04:06 AM
Such mis-spent youth eh Ron..
A drunk woman was sitting at a bar ordering two drinks at a time, sculling one and tipping the other down her nickers. The barman finally asked "what in the name of Pete are you doing tipping drinks down yer nickers woman!?", she replied "I won the lotto yesterday and this is the only c*nt I'm shouting"
T
Tom B
07-05-2005, 04:07 PM
great thread !
THE Dr. Visit
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:
a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for,
and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......
Darn it, ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT!"
Mr Smith
09-05-2005, 09:06 AM
Hey Ron - about "THE Dr. Visit", I bet those visits are gettn more frequent these dayz eh.. eh.. we've got our "eye" on you sonny!
Sorry - didn't mean to make you the "butt" of our jokes.. :mrgreen:
Next you'll be going to a vet to get that sheep removed from your... and you know what they say about people who talk about themselves in the 3rd person don't you..?
T
Hey Ron - about "THE Dr. Visit", I bet those visits are gettn more frequent these dayz eh.. eh.. we've got our "eye" on you sonny!
Sorry - didn't mean to make you the "butt" of our jokes.. :mrgreen:
Next you'll be going to a vet to get that sheep removed from your... and you know what they say about people who talk about themselves in the 3rd person don't you..?
TDon't make me the subject of your fantasies :D
zombo
09-05-2005, 02:53 PM
Hey Tomahawk Ron said Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!
zombo
09-05-2005, 08:28 PM
A Scotsman an Englishman a Welshman and an Irishman all awaiting the birth of the children in the waiting room!
The Englishman inquires if it is the first child for them all they all answer that it is the second child! Paddy asks what names all the firstborn children have??
The Englishman say my son was born on St Georges day so we called him George!
The Welshman say my son was born on St David’s day so we called him David !!
The Scotsman replies my son was born on St Andrews day so we called him Andrew !!
Paddy replies be jeezers, well to be sure you’ll never guess what day my Pancake was born on den !
And a German listening nearby says "Ja, unt mein kinder ve called Heinz, because he iss ein human bean"
Mr Smith
10-05-2005, 09:44 AM
And a German listening nearby says "Ja, unt mein kinder ve called Heinz, because he iss ein human bean"
Und Ron ist nachdem der riesige Furz genannt, den ich machte
T
Isn't Babel fish a wonderful thing................ :geek:
zombo
10-05-2005, 05:45 PM
And a German listening nearby says "Ja, unt mein kinder ve called Heinz, because he iss ein human bean"
Und Ron ist nachdem der riesige Furz genannt, den ich machte
T
Ja Ich stimme zu Ron ist etwas komisch egal er ist wie er ist !!!!
A woman brought a limp duck into the vet. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened, shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, your pet duck has passed away."
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet left the room and returned with a black Labrador Retriever. The dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the exam table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet took the dog and returned with a beautiful cat which jumped on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet then turned and produced a bill.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill and wailed, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
One for the ladies among us -
Pregnancy, Oestrogen, and Women
Pregnancy Q & A & More!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?!
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"OESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "OESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can'! t believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
1. Cats' facial expressions.
2. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
3. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
4. Fat clothes.
5. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
6. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
7. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
8. Eyelash curlers.
9. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
zombo
11-05-2005, 08:10 PM
Ron is writing a book about knowledge I think ???????????
Ron is writing a book about knowledge I think ???????????I really can't take any credit, most of these are passed on by a Canadian colleague who gets them from his brothers in Canada.
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared her They believed she practiced blackmagic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old woman liked the fact that she was feared. To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 68.
He had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked,
"Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The Man put down his drink and said, "Let her dig.
I had her buried upside down......."
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that!"
Highway Star
13-05-2005, 01:23 PM
Subject: An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser ...... (I,ve nothing against scousers honest!)
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at
another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.He's so familiar,
and not recognizing him is driving them mad.They stare and stare, until
suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.Thrilled, they send him over a Pint
of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.Jesus accepts the
drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after
another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for
the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When
he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis
I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets
go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all
my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table in
trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong?" says Jesus. The
Scouser shouts, "F *** off, I'm on disability benefit!"
Farl
________
Grow medical marijuana (http://growingmedicalmarijuana.org)
The Ferrari formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool.
The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, where as Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.
Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower
zombo
13-05-2005, 04:43 PM
Well I am a scouser and I must say had to laugh at that one the best up till now Farley !!
Highway Star
13-05-2005, 09:07 PM
Well I am a scouser and I must say had to laugh at that one the best up till now Farley !!
That a relief!!!
Cheers
farl
________
Vaporizer affiliates (http://vaporizeraffiliateprogram.com)
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
Highway Star
14-05-2005, 07:47 AM
Seeing as its topical at the moment STAR WARS and did they really mean to say that!
TOP 10 LINES FROM STAR WARS
10 "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9 "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8 "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7 "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6 "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
5 "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4 "Sorry about the mess..."
3 "Look at the size of that thing!"
2 "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1 "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
TOP 10 LINES FROM THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
10 "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
9 "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
8 "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
7 "But now we must eat. Come, good food, come..."
6 "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
5 "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
4 "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
3 "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
2 "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
1 "Control, control! You must learn control!"
TOP 10 LINES FROM RETURN OF THE JEDI
10 "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
9 "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."
8 "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?"
7 "I never knew I had it in me."
6 "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab."
5 "There is good in him, I've felt it."
4 "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can." "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them."
3 "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping - hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!"
2 "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me - now I owe you one."
1 "Back door, huh? Good idea!"
Farl
________
Mercedes-Benz R129 Specifications (http://www.mercedes-wiki.com/wiki/Mercedes-Benz_R129)
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the
superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"
The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire"
...and so on and so on and then the Greek says: "We invented sex"
The Italian says "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
Mr Smith
14-05-2005, 08:55 AM
Nice one Ron..
You know it's amazing how even with advances in psychology that there isn't a man alive who actually understands a woman.. I think it's right up there with discovering the meaning of life.
I've come to this conclusion.. who really cares?
T
Highway Star
14-05-2005, 04:01 PM
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a packet of cigarettes, and she came back with a pack of tobacco and some cigarette papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she!
Farl
________
Ferrari p specifications (http://www.ferrari-wiki.com/wiki/Ferrari_P)
Highway Star
14-05-2005, 04:04 PM
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to a hugr barney and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yes," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Farl (I'll stop now!)
________
FORD EUROPE HISTORY (http://www.ford-wiki.com/wiki/Ford_Europe)
You know it's amazing how even with advances in psychology that there isn't a man alive who actually understands a woman
I had a friend many years ago who had the rights of it in my opinion. He said the mistake men and women make is to imagine the other sex is just the same as them, only a different sex, ie men think of women as female men and vice versa. This is not the case, he said, we're entirely different species. Nothing I have seen in the 30 years since has disproved that theory!!
Mr Smith
15-05-2005, 01:08 AM
The carnival just hit town and they were advertising in the local rag for new talents. A woman who was said to be able to sing through her ass came to the audition.. "I can sing 'Ode to the' through my ass" said Ethel the butt singing wonder. "Sounds great, how about a demonstration?" said the interviewer.. so Ethel got on his desk and dropped the biggest - smelliest #2 right on his diary.. the man exclaimed "What the !$#@ are you doin woman!?" and she replied "oh I was just clearing my throat.."
T
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................
So I took her to a petrol station!!!!!!!
On the evening of the Royal wedding, Camilla was becoming somewhat
>> > uncomfortable in her regal attire: Unfortunately, the shoes she had
>> > worn that day were a bit too small and, by the time the festivities
>> > were over, Camilla's feet were in agony. When Camilla and Charles
>> > withdrew to their bridal suite, the only thing she could think of was
>> > getting her ill-fitting shoes off.
>> > The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and
>> > they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and
>> > the occasional muffled scream.
>> > Eventually they heard Charles say, "God, that was tight."
>> > "There," whispered the Queen. "I told you Camilla was a virgin."
>> > Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles say, "Right Now for the
>> > other one."
>> > This was followed by even more grunting and straining and at last
>> > Charles exclaimed, "My God! That was even tighter!"
>> > "That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor!"
>> >
>> >
>> >Travel Guidelines for US Citizens
>> >
>> >The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was
>> >compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the
>> >Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and
>> >Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very
>> >expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is
>> >intended as a guide for American travellers only.
>> >
>> >General Overview
>> >
>> > France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the
>> >continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community,
>> >though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany,
>> >Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular
>> >consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old
>> >country with many treasures, such as the Louvre andEuroDisney. Among
>> >its contributions to western civilisation are champagne, Camembert
>> >cheese and the guillotine.
>> >
>> > Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation,
>> >deodorant and air conditioning are little used and it is next to
>> >impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for
>> >American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking
>> >French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign
>> >country, watch your change at all times.
>> >
>> >The People
>> >
>> >France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and
>> >smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and
>> >have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in
>> >general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and
>> >undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens
>> >are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their
>> >behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is
>> >common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each
>> >other when they hand out medals. American travellers are advised to
>> >travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for
>> >easier mutual recognition.
>> >
>> >Safety
>> >
>> >In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are advised
>> >that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the
>> >French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary
>> >shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball
>> >scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on
>> >much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the
>> >English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for
>> >the Government to flee to London.
>> >
>> >History
>> >
>> >France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
>> >historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
>> >Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is
>> >now an airport.
>> >
>> >Government
>> >
>> >The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are
>> >held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For
>> >administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions,
>> >departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages,
>> >cafes, booths, and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers,
>> >the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground
>> >floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of
>> >whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupation is
>> >setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant
>> >when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department
>> >intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further
>> >information is not available at this time.
>> >
>> >Culture
>> >
>> >The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to
>> >see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made
>> >a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.
>> >And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.
>> >
>> >Cuisine
>> >
>> >Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just
>> >a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are
>> >excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this
>> >word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at
>> >leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
>> >
>> >Economy
>> >
>> >France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in
>> >Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they
>> >are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and
>> >blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors.
>> >
>> >France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are
>> >wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre
>> >weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft,
>> >miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
>> >
>> >Public Holidays
>> >
>> >France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its
>> >361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days,
>> >16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in
>> >Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into
>> >Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is
>> >Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important
>> >holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St.
>> >Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November
>> >12).
>> >
>> >Conclusion
>> >
>> >France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a
>> >temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it
>> >weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said
>> >for it is that it is not Germany.
>> >
>> >
>> >A Word of Warning
>> >
>> >The consular services of the United States government are intended
>> >solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as
>> >McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that
>> >you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the
>> >loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of
>> >5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official
>> >who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of
>> >qualified dentists or something similarly useless.
>> >
>> >Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take
>> >our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.
>> >
>> >Thank you and good luck.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >This report was compiled by Robin, well known Francophile & cynic
>> >
>>
>
>
snavecire
19-05-2005, 09:32 AM
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles
lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.
She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he
said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles'
legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be
easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg
and lift Piddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well.
However, two days later when her father came home from work,
Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this
morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the
girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning
I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she
was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it
hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would
definitely have gone, Daddy".
snavecire
19-05-2005, 09:32 AM
A guy sitting at Bar at Brussels Airport noticed a very beautiful woman
sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he
immediately thought to himself, "Oh sh!t, she doesn't work for Delta".
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him "What the F**K do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Ryanair
snavecire
26-05-2005, 07:18 AM
The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says,
"Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes mad passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me harse. I'd loike ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears.
This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and Another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and No more appear .
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat"s moch batt er . How moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman
I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking,etc. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the linen closet. And she replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges £98.
The Hilton charges £139.
We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prison vs Work
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10x10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.
Mr Smith
26-05-2005, 10:12 AM
Ron Said.. "Once a sailor, always a sailor!"
Haha reminissing eh Ron..?
Ron Said.. "Once a sailor, always a sailor!"
Haha reminissing eh Ron..?That phrase (which was part of a joke) obviously stuck in your mind Tomo. Strange, I didn't think sailors were interested in sheep.......... :D
Damn, I used the 'sh...' word again, apologies Tomo, I know how worked up you get...................
Mr Smith
28-05-2005, 01:39 PM
Damn, I used the 'sh...' word again, apologies Tomo, I know how worked up you get...................
flock you - you baa-rmie ol inbred Bovidae humpin booger munchin rump slappin dag pullin sheep dipper!! :butt: :mrgreen:
T
Highway Star
07-06-2005, 04:18 PM
A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.
"What's going on 'ere then?" says a passing policeman.
"They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk.
"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper.
"On the end of this key!" wails the drunk.
The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware, sir, that your widger is hanging out of your trousers?"
"Holy s**t!" screams the drunk; "They got me girlfriend too!"
________
Maine marijuana dispensary (http://maine.dispensaries.org/)
bloodandtears
07-06-2005, 07:18 PM
the old ones are the best!!
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, (You're going to love this!)
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Asda and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
snavecire
08-06-2005, 06:24 AM
A Canadian golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything.
I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you."
And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want - a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the Canadian golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now."
He adds,
"By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf.
If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK"
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did good job. How many times a day?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?!"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
DeleteReplyForwardSpamMove...
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
Dave works hard at the office and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every cuss word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time".
Tom B
17-06-2005, 04:20 PM
those last 2 were great rick !
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds!!
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,
but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The
woman said, That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in
the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world,
an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's
okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have
eyes only for me."
So,KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said,
"That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!
snavecire
30-06-2005, 09:51 AM
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in big trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle
sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running,
the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull sh1t and brilliance only come with age and experience!
Highway Star
30-06-2005, 01:52 PM
I had a bit of work to do in Liverpool the other day. Only left the desk for a couple of minutes but.... when I came back.....
Farl
________
CHRYSLER NEWPORT SPECIFICATIONS (http://www.dodge-wiki.com/wiki/Chrysler_Newport)
Highway Star
30-06-2005, 02:07 PM
Couldn't get on with the local keyboard either.....
Farl
________
Vaporite solo vaporizer (http://www.vaporshop.com/solo-vaporizer.html)
Highway Star
30-06-2005, 02:13 PM
Just before I get it in the neck.... apologies John!
Farl
________
CHEVROLET SMALL-BLOCK ENGINE (http://www.chevy-wiki.com/wiki/Chevrolet_Small-Block_engine)
A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast.He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"
The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.
The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke
a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"
"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!...
You fancy comin' along?
Father O'Farley is in the confession box taking confessions when all of a sudden gets an urge for a pee. He pops his head out the box and sees a workman passin by, grabs him and says " I really need a Piss can you take over confessions for 5 minutes". The worky says"What do I have to do?"
Father O'Farley replies "Just tell them to do 3 Hail Marys and light a candle and they will be absolved of their sins"
The worky agrees to step in for 5mins.
In pops Mrs. Brown a wee wifey that is in just about every week confessing over trivial stuff.
The worky says "Hello my Child. How can I help?"
Mrs Brown replies " Father I've had impure thoughts and I just don't know what to do!"
"Come. Come. It cannot be that bad. Tell me and I'll see if we can resolve these impure thoughts for you"
She replies "Father . I've been thinking about.......(YES. Come child. Tell me!)...I've been thinking about giving my husband a blowjob"
Cough. Cough..Splutter. The worky replies "I'll have to think about this one for a minute" He feels that 3 hail marys may not be enough so he pops his head out the confessional to see if anyone can help. Passing by is an alter boy.
The worky asks "Son. How much does Father O'Farley give for oral sex?"
The alter boy replies " A Mars Bar and a tin of Iron Bru"
Sorry Farley...Only remotely sounding irish name I could think of!
Stew
Highway Star
01-07-2005, 10:52 AM
Sorry Farley...Only remotely sounding irish name I could think of!
Stew
Cheers "Mate" :nono:
Farl (Not Father or Farley!) LOL
________
NEVADA DISPENSARIES (http://nevada.dispensaries.org/)
Highway Star
01-07-2005, 02:08 PM
One morning a man returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies (thinking isn't that obvious?) "You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.??????????????? ????????????????Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up???????????????.
"If you do that, I??????????????????ll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven??????????????????t even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL
Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
Farl
________
IOLITE REVIEW (http://vaporizer.org/reviews/iolite)
zombo
02-07-2005, 09:07 PM
Just before I get it in the neck.... apologies John!
Farl
Very cheeky but true I am not upset I am not upset I am not upset !!
zombo
02-07-2005, 09:13 PM
Ok a teacher in Liverpool asks the children to say a sentence with the word pistol in it !!
So little Trevor says My father is a policeman he wears a coat of blue and when it is dangerous he wears a pistol too!! Wonderful says the teacher is there anyone else?
So little Paddy says yes me miss oi have a sentence for yer the teacher exicted says yes little Paddy go on !
My father is not a policeman he wears no coat of blue and he is unemployed and goes on the piss till two!!
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why
in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've
had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."
snavecire
13-10-2005, 11:22 AM
just for one particular member, you know who you are.
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
Nice one Eric!!
What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again later!
There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 20 bucks!" She says, "I'm willing, let's go". They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks". Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my tights off!"
bloodandtears
21-10-2005, 12:12 PM
pmsl
snavecire
27-10-2005, 10:43 PM
Forever Young
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago?
We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe.
A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them.
Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence.
Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen.
The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal.
Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this-not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret.
If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age.
What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f*cking fence wasn't electrified."
guitarzone
27-10-2005, 11:11 PM
very!!
pmsl! (finally worked out what that means....)
A drunk man stumbles into a bar, goes directly up to the bartender and asks the bartender if he likes to gamble. bartender says sure "whats the bet?". drunk slurs to the bartender that he will bet him $1,000 that he can piss from one end of the bar to the other end into a beer bottle. the bartender knows the man is drunk and refuses to take on the bet as he doesnt think he will get paid. drunk man slams $1,000 cash on the bar and calls him a pussy. bartender says "u know what i'll take on your bet, what are the terms?" drunk man says "there is only one: u must provide the drinks free of charge until I am ready to piss".bartender okays the terms and starts serving him for free. about 1 hour later barman asks if the drunk is ready."nope not yet" replies the drunk. about $200.00 of free alcohol later the drunk stands up and says "I AM READY!". puts a beer bottle on one end, walks to the other end then starts to piss all over the bar. on the barman, the other local drunks, everywhere. barman shouts "HAH U LOSE". drunk replies "YEAH BUT I BET THE GUYS ACROSS THE STREET $5,000 THAT I WOULD DRINK FOR FREE AND PISS ALL OVER YOUR BAR!!!
zombo
31-10-2005, 11:48 PM
You must be extracting the urine Rick ????
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not
open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also
delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR,
....and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to
play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only premium numbers.
This virus will put antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting
company.
If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 or XP environment, it
will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows,
it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!!
***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard
that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,
sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17-million people are having SEX!!! .....and
look at you - you're on the computer!!!!
Highway Star
06-11-2005, 07:37 PM
PMSL Best one for a long time Rick!
Farl
________
KAWASAKI ZXR250 (http://www.cyclechaos.com/wiki/Kawasaki_ZXR250)
zombo
06-11-2005, 09:39 PM
Could this really happen oh my goodness Bedtime is sort of scarry !!!
:lol: :lol: :lol:
zombo
06-11-2005, 09:42 PM
LOL tell that to Mr Villy and Ini !!!!!!!!!!
Joke:
A Man Walks Into a Bar.
14 Stitches. :mrgreen:
A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and
notices that the there is a spare seat in between himself and the next
guy. "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?" Asks the man. "That was
my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together,
but sadly she passed away." Explains the guy. "That's terrible, but
couldn't you get another member of the family, friend or someone else to
come with you?" Asks the man.
"No..... They're all at the funeral!"
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol'mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart"
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear off a my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we, got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah tis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa my fookin pig.Ten we'll av
two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by,and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.
"PADDY" shouted Paddy : "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
WAIT FOR IT!!!
"Ah fook it" says Paddy, "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the pink one."
Highway Star
01-12-2005, 11:49 AM
A musical one!.........
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this bloke knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord" A bit watered off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". Well and truly pissed off that this little bloke doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!" The little old man gingerly climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike, faces the huge audience and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv roo..."
Farl
bloodandtears
02-12-2005, 11:16 AM
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to..."I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !".
zombo
02-12-2005, 05:59 PM
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !!!!!!!!!!
bloodandtears
02-12-2005, 08:12 PM
lol
bigdoug
22-12-2005, 05:16 PM
I see Gary Glitter and Pete Docherty are going into rehab.... They both want to give up there ten year old crack habbit
bloodandtears
06-01-2006, 03:15 PM
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being
reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...
ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken b@stard, you're sh1tting the bed"
maund23
06-01-2006, 03:57 PM
now THAT was funny.
zombo
06-01-2006, 06:27 PM
A women goes to the doctors and very bravely says !!
Doctor can I take a bath with diarrhea ???
The Doctor replies: Sure if you can get the tub full !!!!
zombo
06-01-2006, 06:30 PM
now THAT was funny.
Well funny !!!
Highway Star
31-01-2006, 11:45 AM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk as
to her Marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Highway Star
31-01-2006, 11:47 AM
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife
is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
davros
31-01-2006, 11:53 AM
how many singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, they put the bulb in their mouth and the world revolves around them!
Highway Star
02-02-2006, 08:45 AM
Those of us old enough to understand this will have a laugh.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Well, someone sent it to me so why should I suffer alone but....., bet you grinned!!!
Have a lovely day.
davros
02-02-2006, 11:27 AM
terrible! and I hate myself for laughing at it!
snavecire
02-02-2006, 01:20 PM
best i have heard in a long while, i think that will keep me smiling all day, thank you.
bigdoug
02-02-2006, 04:40 PM
that is the worst yet...I will use it in the pub, thanks
zeusse
05-02-2006, 07:53 AM
Sorry I haven't posted in awhile been busy with all kinds of stuff and finally getting a break I don't have a joke but this is a funny link http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf
Can't think of a new joke but the ones here were pretty good except for the last corny one!
bigdoug
05-02-2006, 12:09 PM
wow zuesse that wasnt funny to near the truth already. And as a fat bloke its going to cost me a fortune
Highway Star
06-02-2006, 02:45 PM
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument you can name." Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Satriani! The guitar owner pays up the £50. Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up the £50. Then Jim, a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look. Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I was going to shag it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!"
ZappaFan
06-02-2006, 03:00 PM
Guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he'd like a scotch before he goes home. The player says 'sure' and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute. From nowhere a little voice says 'great gig man, you're one hot picker'.
The player looks at the barman and says 'thanks' and the barman says 'what for' and the player says 'for sayin' nice things about my work'. the barman says ' I didn't say nothing'.
The guitarist thinks it's late and he's a bit spaced so he'd better head off when another little voice says 'yeah great licks man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there'. The Guitar player turns around and says 'thanks' but there's nobody there. The feller at the bar says 'are you ok?' cause the picker looks a bit pale and the guitarist says 'yeah, I think so'.
Then, as he empties his glass another voice says 'hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you' and the bloke says 'OK! THAT'S IT! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?'
The barman runs down and says 'what's your problem dude?' to which the guitarist says 'WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?'
'What voices? What are they saying?' when the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says 'oh that'll be the peanuts man, they're complementary!'
ZappaFan
06-02-2006, 03:11 PM
A guitarist dies and is quite pleased to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of 6 String Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.
"This is Stevie Ray's room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Stevie Ray!"
"And this is Jimi's room..." and the guitarist is totally over the moon.
Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he went... the "other" way..."
The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick - and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat. The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie's in the next room.
Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Yngwie Malsteen!!"
Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
Now that's the worst joke ever!
But this one...
Q: Why is it best to finger Gypsy Rosalee when she's on her period?
A: Because you'll get your palm red for free!
bigdoug
05-03-2006, 10:14 PM
oh no these are really the worst yet.....:smile:
TexasBluesguitarMassacre
06-03-2006, 12:24 AM
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister. The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?"
The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
Mr Smith
08-03-2006, 11:57 PM
50 years ago 30 white men chasing an African American were called the Klu Klux Klan...
now it's called the PGA Golf Tour!
Mr Smith
09-03-2006, 12:00 AM
2 men in a bar were talking about their wives... "I call my wife Flower because she's always blooming" said one, the other replied "I call my wife Thrush becuase she's an irritating c..t"
Mr Smith
09-03-2006, 12:03 AM
Latest statistics suggests the most used sexual position among married couples in the new millenium is doggy style... The husband sits and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead
zombo
09-03-2006, 12:22 AM
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
Master Tang
09-03-2006, 12:26 AM
A break in the levity to say this is one helluva fun forum!!!!
:jump:
zombo
09-03-2006, 12:29 AM
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
zombo
09-03-2006, 12:34 AM
There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
Mr Smith
09-03-2006, 01:05 AM
Man: "Hey how about we get physical tonight huh?"
Wife: "I'd love to but I have such a headache, I hope you understand"
Man: "That's great! I've been in the bathroom powdering my dong with aspirin, you can take it orally or as a suppository!"
Highway Star
09-03-2006, 12:39 PM
Tommy Cooperisms
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "Thatsounds like Tom Jones syndrome" "Is it common?” "It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have alook at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he'scross-eyed?“ “No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside" "How's that?" "Don't you start!"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great; the world's your oyster, go for it'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad ormy older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it'sColin!
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when as mall two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
zombo
09-03-2006, 12:48 PM
This is my own joke made it up myself !!!!!
The police get a phone call from somebody saying his neighbour has been murdered ??
The detectives go in there and find a dead body with corn flakes all over it !
They examine the corpse and the detective turns to his assistant and says it must of been a cereal (serial) killer""
Highway Star
09-03-2006, 12:59 PM
This is my own joke made it up myself !!!!!
The police get a phone call from somebody saying his neighbour has been murdered ??
The detectives go in there and find a dead body with corn flakes all over it !
They examine the corpse and the detective turns to his assistant and says it must of been a cereal (serial) killer""
Ha ha!! Truly you are the site looney!!
Farl
This is my own joke made it up myself !!!!!
The police get a phone call from somebody saying his neighbour has been murdered ??
The detectives go in there and find a dead body with corn flakes all over it !
They examine the corpse and the detective turns to his assistant and says it must of been a cereal (serial) killer""
The killer has now been caught and is now doing Porridge! ouch
bigdoug
09-03-2006, 03:52 PM
that joke reminds me of the time I went out to the icecream van and found the guy dead inside, he had rasberry sauce and nuts all over him. I said get back I think he's topped himself.
Highway Star
09-03-2006, 05:05 PM
The killer has now been caught and is now doing Porridge! ouch
No!! Was he a Quaker??
bigdoug
09-03-2006, 05:12 PM
The killer has now been caught and is now doing Porridge! ouch
he wont get his oats till he gets out.....
zombo
09-03-2006, 10:16 PM
he wont get his oats till he gets out.....
now now lets get cerious again !!
Mr Smith
10-03-2006, 12:35 AM
Goodness me are you guys that hard up for a joke lol, hehe that was a cornie one
A blonde was complaining to her doctor that when she does doggy style her knees keep getting carpet burn, the doctor suggested she try another position. The blonde replied "I would but the dog can't"
Mr Smith
10-03-2006, 12:41 AM
I thought I read your name on a loaf of bread today but after a closer look I realised it said "Thick Cut" not "Thick Cu*t"
Mr Smith
10-03-2006, 12:45 AM
Why Shouldn't you give a blonde a coffee break..?
Because it takes too long to re-train them
bigdoug
10-03-2006, 07:42 AM
and you slagged our jokes?
when paul mcartney got home from hospital after his wife died he said to the kids "Ive got some good news and some bad news"... "your mums dead but I got a steak pie for tea on the way home"
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Dad....I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Interrupting her, the Dad asks, "Now what was it ye said ye had become?"
The daughter, crying again,...."A prostitute, Dad!" Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! BeJesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"
Akyra
04-04-2006, 07:27 PM
Here's one that my misses saw on a forum she goes on.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
Akyra
04-04-2006, 07:28 PM
no offence to the welsh here-
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English git"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?
Dog: "Doin' alright"
Villager: (Look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play"
Villager: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I don't think"
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often
and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"
Villager: (Total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a liar"
Akyra
04-04-2006, 07:28 PM
WOMAN'S DIARY:
Thursday 20th Sept 2005
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested
we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I
just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he
hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the
matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I
put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he
did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and
a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and
that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.
MAN'S DIARY:
Thursday, 20th September 2005
Spurs lost to Grimsby. Gutted. Got a shag though
Akyra
04-04-2006, 07:29 PM
A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger.
He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your
arse'.
Akyra
04-04-2006, 07:30 PM
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough, For me to satisfy your physical needs as a man"
>
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the
bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep,>
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big Unnamed dept.store. I walked around with her while she tried on several Different
very expensive outfits, She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, So I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery dept, Where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings, Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear,
let's go to the cashier" I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile...You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough, for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
* Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either
stevedak
05-04-2006, 04:19 PM
A blonde is out on a nature hike, walking along a river bed. After about a half a mile, she spots another woman hiking across the river. The other woman calls out to the blonde, "excuse me...can you tell me how to get to the other side?"
The blonde ponders this for a moment, deep in thought, then finally calls out to the other woman.."you ARE on the other side!"
ZappaFan
05-04-2006, 06:47 PM
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now and am looking for a girl with big tits.
A couple are on a plane flying to benidorm for their hols when all of a sudden they hear a huge bang, then the pilot comes on the speaker and says "sorry everybody the engine has blown up and we are going to crash, there is nothing i can do".
People are screaming and running up and down the plane.
the woman turns to her husband, rips her blouse open and screams "MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN"
the guy casually un buttons his shirt and says "here you go love iron that will you"
ZappaFan
13-04-2006, 12:28 AM
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
mmitch_19
14-04-2006, 09:37 PM
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
LOL!!!
zombo
27-04-2006, 08:48 PM
A very touching story...it'll bring a tear to your eyes...
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor
saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.
I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."
He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Liverpool Ferry."
Mr Smith
03-05-2006, 01:51 AM
Latest reports on The War On Terror in New Zealand..
Police have arrested 3 suspected terrorists in Wairoa today after a tipoff from a member of the public. Police have released the names of Always Binlazy, Mostly Binthevin, and Often Bindealin but say theres no sign of Sometimes Binworkin..
(Wairoa is gangland in NZ.. literally thousands of gangsters!)
BUSH TALKING TO THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom.
"Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?
The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father
have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is
it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty,
that would be me."
"Yes, Very good," says the Queen.
Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice President, the same
question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a
child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."
Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an
answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin
Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer
this for me?
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or you
sister. Who is it?
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!
Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have
the answer to that riddle.? It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!
Highway Star
11-05-2006, 11:17 AM
A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business". "I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish". Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man replied... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
Farl
Mr Smith
11-05-2006, 11:23 AM
Roflmfao
Leezor
11-05-2006, 11:39 AM
Tonto Papadopoulos? I don't get it? :confused:
Highway Star
11-05-2006, 01:24 PM
Tonto Papadopoulos? I don't get it? :confused:
Ha! Ha! Very funny!!
Farl
bigdoug
11-05-2006, 02:07 PM
an old one but a clasic lmao at leezor as well, sorry :smile:
Leezor
11-05-2006, 02:48 PM
Am I missing something here? This joke is all over the web but I still don't get it...
Are you serious Mike?
1) Tonto is well endowed
2) As he is Popadopoulos he is best lover
3) his friends call him paddy because he is potentially best lovers all round.
this equals "HE WANTS TO GET LAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Highway Star
11-05-2006, 04:35 PM
Are you serious Mike?
1) Tonto is well endowed
2) As he is Popadopoulos he is best lover
3) his friends call him paddy because he is potentially best lovers all round.
this equals "HE WANTS TO GET LAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Damn!! I was enjoying Leezor struggling!! LOL
Farl
Farl could always remove the post if he ain't seen it yet
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "I'm a bit worried - can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Of course," replies the doctor, "Where do you think Ba***rd Rovers fans come from?"
ZappaFan
18-05-2006, 12:26 AM
Very good kaz ........ might be a bit lost on our fellows from overseas, but who cares eh ? LOL
serpant
21-07-2006, 06:17 PM
A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it
off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the
police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Londoner starts screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Londoner finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust:
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Londoner.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
The Londoner looks down in absolute horror.........
"F?#KING HELL!!!!!!" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."
lmao, good one serpent. :D
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."
That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. Thed old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Highway Star
07-08-2006, 03:32 PM
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of
the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.
While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking
out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have
teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he
didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have
teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of
town, she invites him over for a little action.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know,
you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her
crotch.
"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down
there!"
"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."
"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."
With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I'm sorry," he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth
down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries.
She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK,
I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the
condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
Farl
bigdoug
07-08-2006, 06:55 PM
which is the odd one out,
A washing machine
A woman
A dishwasher
A toaster
its the toaster, all the others drip when there f#@ked
mmitch_19
14-08-2006, 06:06 PM
Why we split up..............
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, $150 for a cut & color, $32
for a manicure, $40 for a pedicure, $50 on vitamins, $300 on clothes and
$600 for a gym membership.
I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed it to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.....
Highway Star
14-08-2006, 06:26 PM
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.....
A corker!! LOL
Farl
trotter
14-08-2006, 06:53 PM
did you hear about the stupid terrorist who tried to blow up a bus ..............
.................................
he burnt his lips on the exorst
The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees a record in the window of a charity shop "Wasp noises from around the world".
Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it.
"Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable.
After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused. "I don't recognize any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"
The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track.
After a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused "No, I still don't recognize any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?"
The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head. "It's no good. I just don't recognize any of these wasps"
The assistant peers at the label of the record and says...
....wait for it....
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side"
bigdoug
15-08-2006, 02:16 PM
Nnooooooo, I loved that one its crap, will use it in the pub tonight.
mjknowles
15-08-2006, 09:20 PM
Female terrorist out clothes shopping with her husband , whilst trying a new outfit she turns to him and asks '' Does my bomb look big in this ? ''
zeusse
16-08-2006, 02:44 AM
Why we split up..............
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, $150 for a cut & color, $32
for a manicure, $40 for a pedicure, $50 on vitamins, $300 on clothes and
$600 for a gym membership.
I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed it to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.....
Some how this one seems familiar you been hangin around my place..lol Only difference is she hasn't left yet!
A disappointed salesman of Pepsi returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked,"Why werent you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was Very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Pepsi is virtually unknown there.
But, I had a problem I didnt know to speak Arabic.
So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting.
Second, the man is drinking our Pepsi and
Third, our man is now totally refreshed.
Then these posters were pasted all over the place" "That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied "Well not only did I not speak Arabic I also didnt realize that Arabs read from right to left ..."
Highway Star
20-10-2006, 10:45 AM
A man and his wife went to Jurusalem for a holiday. Unfortunateley, while they were there, the wife died. The local undertaker said to the man "Well, you have two choices, you can either pay £5,000 to have her shipped home or if you like, pay me £100 and have her buried here!"
The man thought for a while and said "I'll have her shipped home." "Why on earth would you do that?" asked the undertaker.
"Well" said the husband "a long time ago a man died here and, three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that risk!"
Farl
vaibajez
20-10-2006, 11:36 PM
wat do you call a chiken in a shell suite......
an egg. ba dum tshhh
Master Tang
21-10-2006, 12:30 AM
A farmer was driving his tractor one day across a field behind the barn, when he hit quite a stubborn patch of mud. He tried for a while to get the tractor unstuck, and finally gave up, and told his son to go get the BMW. The son brought the car back, hooked up a tow strap, and bingo, the tractor was free.
A while later while pecking through the barnyard for something to eat, a chicken got stuck in the same puddle.
She looked at the horse and said, "please would you get the farmer's BMW and pull me out of the mud?"
The horse replied, "why don't I just straddle the puddle, and you grab ahold of my penis, and I'll pull you out?"
The chicken finally gave in, and said she would try it.
A few seconds later the chicken was free.
Moral of the story?
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW.
bigdoug
21-10-2006, 07:36 AM
to pull the chicks?
Highway Star
26-10-2006, 03:39 PM
Australian Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know!
Farl
you tried that out yourself or how do you know, harl?
Highway Star
26-10-2006, 07:32 PM
you tried that out yourself or how do you know, harl?
Yep, I tried but just got bird flu and felt "peckish"
Farl
but at least lay better now, don't you?
http://lachschon.gamigo.de/screens/200610/mo-1160823912.jpg
ZappaFan
30-10-2006, 12:30 AM
Excellent, LMAO
Pwyff ] So one day, George Bush and The Queen of England are sitting in her room talking about politics, when Bush asks the Queen, "How do you know if the highest members of your state are smart enough to be doing their job?"
[ Pwyff ] And the Queen replies, "Well, I usually ask them riddles, and see how fast they respond. That's usually a good way to see if they can think for themselves."
[ Pwyff ] So the Queen calls Tony Blair in, and asks him, "If your Parents had a child, but it's not your sister, and it's not your brother, who is it?"
[ Pwyff ] And Tony Blair immediately replies, "That's easy, it's me!"
[ Pwyff ] And the Queen, who is very pleased, send Tony Blair away.
[ Pwyff ] Now, Bush, who is very impressed, brings the Queen to find Donald Rumsfield and asks him, "Hey Donald, if your parents had a kid, but it's not your sister, and it's not your brother, who is it?"
[ Pwyff ] And Rumsfield ponders for a long time, and then admits to Bush that he has no clue.
[ Pwyff ] Pissed off, Bush drags Rumsfield and the Queen to Dick Cheney, where Bush asks Cheney, "Hey Dick, if your parents had a kid, but it's not your sister or your brother, who is it?"
[ Pwyff ] And Cheney ponders for a long time, and then he finally lights up with an idea, and says "It's me!"
[ Pwyff ] And Bush gets REALLY pissed off, and yells at both of them, "NO YOU IDIOTS! IT'S TONY BLAIR!"
Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His
birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell His
mother what he wanted:
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at
school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to
get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.
Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why
he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a
letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so
he tore up he letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I
would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my
birthday.
Your friend, Barry.
Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very
upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very
sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked
around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin
Mary.
He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street,
into his house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Barry began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE.
> Subject: The Cruise
>
> A Cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship > sinks. There were
only > 3 survivors: George, Darren and Deirdre.
>
> They manage to swim to a small island. They lived > there for a
couple of > years doing what was natural for men and women to > do.
>
> After several years of casual sex all the time, > Deirdre felt
really bad > about what she had been doing.
>
> She felt having sex with both George and Darren was > so bad that
she > killed herself.
>
> It was very tragic but George and Darren managed to > get through
it
and > after a while nature once more took its inevitable > course.
>
> Well, a couple more years went by and George and > Darren began to
feel > absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
>
> So ................
>
> ...................
>
>
> ...................
>
> ...................
>
> ...................
>
> ...................
>
> ...................
>
> ...................
>
> ...................
>
> ...................
>
> ...................
>
> ...................
>
> ...................
>
> ...................
>
>
>
> They buried her.
>
>
>
>
ZappaFan
07-02-2007, 01:37 PM
ROFLMAO, excellent stuff stew
bigdoug
07-02-2007, 06:05 PM
that was sick. I will use it :grin:
Bluto
07-02-2007, 06:53 PM
That was sooooooooooooo sick Stew. One for the lads big Friday night out this weekend me thinks:lol:
bigdoug
09-02-2007, 07:54 PM
the order was in when she took ill, RIP Anne Nichol Smith.
ZappaFan
05-03-2007, 09:48 PM
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both very,very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties, and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls had their tinkle, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed.....hung over. So he phoned the other husband and said, "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst; my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said: "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
2 dyslexics sat in a car,
1st one says "hey mate can you smell petrol?"
2nd says"don't be a pillock, i can't even smell my own name"
A woman goes to the gynaecologist for a routine check-up.
After the examination the doctor looks through her medical history records and says "Ms Jones, according to your records you've been married three times but the examination I just carried out has shown me that you are still a virgin, how can this be?"
"Well doctor..." the woman began, "my first husband was an astronomer, all he ever wanted to do was spend all night looking at it"
"And your second husband?" prompted the doctor.
"Well he was a botanist, all he ever wanted to do was forage in my...erm... undergrowth"
"I see" said the doctor "and what about your third husband"
"Ah yes, my third husband" replied the woman "now he was a stamp collector... God I miss him!"
Danny Danzi
18-03-2007, 10:56 PM
On a warm summers day, a father sitting in a chair in his garden watches his 5 year old daughter play outside. As she plays, something grabs her attention and she stops to investigate. The father, wondering what she sees, makes his way to her to investigate also. When he gets there, he sees that she has discovered two spiders that appear to be mating.
The daughter asks "what are they doing daddy?
The father replies "they are making babies"
The daughters asks "what type of spider is that daddy?"
The father replies "that's a daddy longlegger"
So the daughter asks, "well, does that make the other spider a mommy longlegger?"
So the father says "no dear, that's a daddy longlegger too."
With this, the little girl runs and gets a rock and squashes them both to death!
The father says "sweetie, why on earth did you do that?!"
The daughter says while shaking her head "those damn gay spiders!"
Danny Danzi
18-03-2007, 11:18 PM
True story, though a joke all in itself that I had never heard. Some of you may have heard this punchline, but it was new to me.
I'm sitting in a bar with 2 friends. We're drinking and laughin. All of a sudden, this huge bodybuilder type dude walks in the place. I'm talking incredible hulk huge....but the weird thing, the dude had a little head! Like it just didn't fit his body!
So my one bud says "I'll give the first guy that goes upto that dude and asks him what happened to his head, $50. My other friend says, "I'll put in $50 too!" So Danny D says..."fook you guys, I'll take $100 and a black eye or busted nose...I'll do it!
So I walk over to this guy...he's sittin at the bar, and he looks even meaner close up than he did from 50ft away! I sit next to him and I'm thinking this out. I really didn't feel like getting killed, but I figured, maybe he'd understand I was seriosuly curious at 9 stone and 5ft6. LOL!! Then I said..screw it, maybe I'll just tell him I was offered $100 and give him $50 of it if he's a good sport and doesn't kill me? Nah, I'm going for it...I can run fast enough to get away from him!
So I say "excuse me sir, I'm truly sorry to bother you...but you're built like a brick house...you must have really worked out for years to look like that...major props to you for that, but can I ask, what happened to your head?"
When I asked it, I backed off expecting to get knocked out, but instead the dude days "well, I get asked that a lot, and I'm used to it, so let me tell you the story."
I was amazed I was still alive I tell ya! So the guy starts to tell the story..
"I took a cruise ship one time....you know, one of those huge boats. Took what they call a cruise to nowhere. You just cruise on this huge boat and do illegal things like get high and whatever other trouble you can get yourself into because there are no laws at sea.
I got a bit too wasted and fell overboard. When I came to my senses, I had washed up on this little island. I found nothing as I searched for possible signs of life or someone to help me. As I went looking for something to eat, I found this thing that looked like an old antique lamp, so I picked it up. When I picked it up and rubbed the dirt off of it, this genie comes out of it!" (at this point, I'm thinking "why did I ask this question, and why am I sitting here listening to this bullsh!t story...serves me right, but I'm gonna get $100 out of this!!")
So he goes on to say "the genie was exceptionally beautiful...unlike any woman I had ever seen. She says to me "for freeing me from this lamp, you get one wish...anything you want!" So he says "I'd really like to screw you!" She says "unfortunately, it's my time of month and I'd really rather not do that."
So he says "how 'bout a lil head?"
With that, the dude starts crackin up and so did I. I had never heard that before and just thought it was so cool that he set me up that way. He went on to tell me his head was the way it was due to several operations and a form of cancer that he's been fighting his entire life. What a good sport eh? To this day, I am still friends with this guy....he is a fantastic guitarist, and is in 3 different top cover bands in my area. Everyone loves him and he's one of the nicest guys on the planet with a great sense of humor. Pretty neat eh? :)
ZappaFan
24-03-2007, 08:06 PM
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too
ZappaFan
24-03-2007, 08:08 PM
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Zap is the pun guy, huh?
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
ZappaFan
24-03-2007, 08:18 PM
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now
ZappaFan
10-04-2007, 09:53 PM
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest.
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with
Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon
when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short,
with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, .................................
"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest.
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with
Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon
when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short,
with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, .................................
"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".
LMAO :lol:
Highway Star
03-05-2007, 10:20 AM
Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.
Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not "do it."
Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.
When she re-appears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as the nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.
In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button, gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years.
He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.
With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester I have acute angina."
Chester says "I really hope so, 'cause you sure as hell got ugly boobs!
bigdoug
03-05-2007, 02:38 PM
lmao
Highway Star
09-05-2007, 09:49 AM
Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit.
Gartmorn
16-05-2007, 05:11 PM
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp???
He bought a warehouse!!!
guitarzone
17-05-2007, 03:53 PM
Subject: Tommy Cooperisms!!
These are mega grin inducing!!
>I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
>it.
>
>I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
>
> >>
>
> >>This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
>
>It was a turtle disaster.
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
>"Tenpin?" I
>
> >>said, "No, it's a permanent job."
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
> >>said,
>"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it
is."
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave
> >>me a Volkswagen with no driver.
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
>went
>
> >>T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china
in
>my hand. "
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
>'Best Before End'
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
> >>said "No,just a watch."
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
>bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
>said,
>
> >>"You've got cholera."
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
>name,
>
> >>it's P something T something R
>
> >> >
>
> >>I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't
> >>put it down.
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on
>and on.
>
> >> >
>
> >>My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
>wouldn't do it if you paid me."
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
>said,"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No,
this
> >>is for the custard."
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
>paper.
>
> >>He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre She said, "Are you having
me
>on?"
>
> >>I
>
> >>said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
>
> >>anything."
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a
skip
>
> >>outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
>goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
>
> >> >
>
> >>I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me
> >>I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me
again to
>sayI'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
>managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came
and
asked
>me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't
>swing a cat in there.
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on
the
>
> >>shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three
counts.
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I bought a train ticket and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I
said
>"Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
>
> >> >
>
> >>
>
> >>I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
>the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
>Tuesdays or Thursdays."
bigdoug
17-05-2007, 11:37 PM
roflmao :grin:
Highway Star
18-05-2007, 08:35 AM
A few more Tommy Cooper Classics....
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.”
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought "That's a turn‑up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"So I went down my local ice‑cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice‑cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [camply] 'Make your mind up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ‘This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho‑Cha‑Chu. But I think its Colin."
Norman...
ZappaFan
18-05-2007, 01:52 PM
Cooper. king of the one liner. Thanks guys.
ZappaFan
21-05-2007, 01:26 PM
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you
have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can
do."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But
when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, so did I, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."
PMSL... nice one Neal :thumb:
ZappaFan
13-06-2007, 12:46 PM
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to
marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we
go along."
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a
honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of
his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a
half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which
point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few
more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I
told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down
on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Liverpool, but I worked
...both sides of the river."
Highway Star
14-06-2007, 12:10 PM
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a
chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought
this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my
brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a
talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take
it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the
Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You
must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster,
Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden
green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever
made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I
wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely
that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still t rying
to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,
grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so
proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a
sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and
flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,
"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel
started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green,
and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the
cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her
chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the fu**ing putt, didn't you?"
ZappaFan
14-06-2007, 12:11 PM
The manager of Liverpool FC sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to hopefully win Liverpool the title.
One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will
turn out to be a true superstar. So the manager flies to Iraq to watch him
and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only twenty minutes left, and Liverpool's manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on. The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in twenty minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first
day in English football. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for twenty minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love
me."
"Great," says his Mum, "now let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".
"Sorry?!?" says his Mum.
"It's your f***ing fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
ColzRnFnR
14-06-2007, 01:47 PM
Heard it b4,was set in govan tho. still cracks me up tho!
Highway Star
15-06-2007, 07:55 AM
Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, Johnny Byrne?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Brown?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Margaret Doyle?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Anne O' Neil?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped Johnny, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
Four months holiday and five good leads."
ZappaFan
15-06-2007, 02:10 PM
nice one Norm
zombo
15-06-2007, 07:36 PM
The manager of Liverpool FC sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to hopefully win Liverpool the title.
One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will
turn out to be a true superstar. So the manager flies to Iraq to watch him
and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only twenty minutes left, and Liverpool's manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on. The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in twenty minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first
day in English football. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for twenty minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love
me."
"Great," says his Mum, "now let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".
"Sorry?!?" says his Mum.
"It's your f***ing fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
Thats why I live in Cornwall ha ha !!!
Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy the time while they were incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The other pulled out a box of paints and said, "With these I can paint anything. I`ll be the Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he returned the question. "What did you bring?" he asked.
The first pulled out a deck of cards, smiled and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, rummy, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled and said said, "I brought these."
Puzzled, the other two asked, "What can you do with those?"
He pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to what it says here, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,.......................
"He should've quit while he was a head!"
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.
An Octopus walks into a bar and says “I can play any musical instrument you like”.
The Englishman gives it a guitar which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.
The Irishman gives it a piano which it plays better than Elton John.
The Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and the Scotsman asks: “What’s wrong, can ye no play it?”
The octopus says, “Play It? I’m gonna shag her once I get her pyjamas off”
new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receiptin back of checkbook.
18. Recheck makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake
bigdoug
18-06-2007, 05:24 PM
lol liked the last one
stevedak
20-06-2007, 08:48 PM
A wealthy man decided it was time he found himself a wife. After narrowing his choices down to three lovely women, he set upon them each a task: they were to take $5000 of his money, and do with it what they thought would be most appropriate for thier relationship.
The first woman came back loaded down with several pieces of the latest high-tech gadgetry, stating to her potential husband "I know how much you like all these grown-up toys, and I though these would keep you happy".
The second woman returned with hefty stock portfolio, stating "Some of these may be risky ventures, but if they do pay off, we'll be quite rich, and in a very short time!"
The third woman invested the money in different long-term bank accounts, stating "I want this money to grow like our love for each other grows, and I want it to pay off for us in the long run, and help keep us happy together for the rest of our lives".
In the end, the man chose................................
The one with the biggest boobs.
mullyman
19-07-2007, 06:18 AM
Musician joke time
Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a pig?
A: A pig won't stay up all night to screw a drummer.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 5. 1 to change it and 4 to stand around going "Pbbbthh, I can do that!"
Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: With a drum machine you only have to punch in the information once.
Q: In the 22nd century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
A: Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked the aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
"Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He
responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here
with us."
"Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of
all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin."
"He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked. "I haven't a clue," said Rabbi Moishe. "First the Pope said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger."
"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I
said to him, we're staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out
mine.
trotter
05-08-2007, 09:15 PM
a little girl got a brand new bike for christmas and was cycling down the road when she stopped next to a policeman on a horse.
the policeman looks down at her and says nice bike you got there but its shame you have no reflectors or no helmet on.
the little girl turns round looks at the horse then at the policeman and says nice horse but its a shame about the twit sitting on top of it.
haha that sucks
Highway Star
06-08-2007, 04:03 PM
My "friend" Dave sent me this text the other day....
Hi Farl! I was just shopping and I thought of you when I saw your name on a loaf of bread. Then I realised it said Thick Cut..........
Nice to have friends isn't it!
Norman
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they
live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his
chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his
chores. Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed
the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes
to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him
a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I
have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so
you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the
pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I
also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't
getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,
and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
A woman has a serious automobile accident and goes into a coma. The doctors hook her up to a respirator and an EEG to monitor her condition, but there is no improvement. Every day for the next ten years, the nurses come by to give her a sponge bath and change the sheets. One day, a doctor notices a significant increase in brain activity on the monitor just as a nurse is washing her genital area. He calls the husband in and tells him the good news. "We believe your wife my be on the verge of a miraculous recovery. I realize this is an unusual request, but would you mind having oral sex with your wife? It could help." The husband says he would be willing, but does not want to do it with doctors and nurses in the room. "I understand completely," says the doctor. "You will be alone with your wife. We will be in the next room, and only looking at the monitors." So the husband agrees, the curtains are pulled around him and his wife, and the doctors go into the next room to watch the monitors. Sure enough, the blips on the EEG start to increase in frequency and strength and then ... they flatline completely. No indication of life whatsoever. They rush into the next room and and frantically ask the husband what happened. "She choked."
trotter
27-08-2007, 04:00 PM
i got this in a text earlier lol :
i applied for a job at a mental home but they said i need at least 24 hours experience....
so i was wondering what are you doing tomorow ?
A middle-aged woman seemed very embarrassed as she visited her
gynaecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, " you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and
heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the
water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink,
there were five pence pieces in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there
were twenty pence pieces, and this morning ... there were pound coins !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared
out of my wits!"
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
(Ready for this?)
"You're simply going through the change"!
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their arses.
The results are pretty interesting:
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their arse is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their arse is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
ZappaFan
23-10-2007, 12:38 AM
Phillip and his wife Beryl went to the Yorkshire show every year, and every year Phillip would say. "Beryl, I'd like a ride in that there helicopter."
Beryl always replied," I know Phillip, but that ride costs £50, and £50 is £50."
One year Phillip and Beryl went to the show and Phillip said to Beryl, "Beryl, I'm 85 years old now. If I don't ride in that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this Beryl replied, "Phillip that helicopter is 50 quid, and 50 quid is 50 quid."
The helicopter pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride . If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word then it's 50 quid."
Phillip and Beryl agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kind of fancy tricks and all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He also did his daredevil tricks over and over again but still not a word.
When they landed the pilot turned to Phillip and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out."
Phillip replied , "Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Beryl fell out, but you know, 50 quid is 50 quid.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the
cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where
Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest
to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and
heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's
Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth
Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the
magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...
the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realisation of what was happening dawned on the
magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had
gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to
worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
ZappaFan
10-12-2007, 04:31 PM
German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex mit you". "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 Euros an hour". "Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky". "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky". So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large Bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to your handz aund kneez." The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to Her hands and knees."Now pleez you vill get on your handz and kneez." She duly does this, balancing on the springs."You vill please blow zis Duck caller as I make love to you." She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is Paying. The sex is fantastic.> She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time Honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is Several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps -- "That was totally amazing....... What do you call That?" "Ah", says the German, "Zis vee call de .... "Four-sprung duck technique"
German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex mit you". "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 Euros an hour". "Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky". "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky". So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large Bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to your handz aund kneez." The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to Her hands and knees."Now pleez you vill get on your handz and kneez." She duly does this, balancing on the springs."You vill please blow zis Duck caller as I make love to you." She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is Paying. The sex is fantastic.> She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time Honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is Several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps -- "That was totally amazing....... What do you call That?" "Ah", says the German, "Zis vee call de .... "Four-sprung duck technique"
classic
a city analyst leaves New York for pastures new and sets up home in Alaska he lives very remotely and his nearest neighbour is 5miles down the valley. His provisions are flown in and things go well and he loves the quiet life. Some 5yrs later there's aknock at the door and he goes see who it is. Standing before him is a burly big bloke massive beard with arms and legs like tree-trunks.
"Hi I'm Dave from the lodge down the valley. i'm having a New year party and wondered if you want to come along"
the X-City analyst is flattered and says "well what is happening at this party then?"
The big bloke replies" Well there wull be fightin, boozing and loads of sex"
The guy says "i ain't sure about the fighting but the boozing and sex sounds like fun so I'll be there. What will the dress code be?"
" Suit yourself what you wear it will just be the 2 of us"
Man, I though we should have a couple of "Hippie Jokes" on the site if that is OK! I laughed until I stopped breathing when I heard these after I ate yesterday...
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too "Far Out", man!
What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi
How do you know a hippy has been staying at your house? He's still there.
Two hippies were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg in a cast. The first hippie asked "Sister, how did you break you leg?"
"I slipped in the bathtub."
The second hippie asked the first "What's a bathtub man?"
The first hippie says "Man! How should I know, I'm not Catholic!"
Dude
Highway Star
11-12-2007, 01:36 PM
A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, Ron's sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact, she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as, no doubt, many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to let them air a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
Ron.
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
bigdoug
11-12-2007, 02:17 PM
great jokes guys.
ZappaFan
08-01-2008, 07:04 PM
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I
have finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around the house to see things I started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baelys, a butle of vocka, a tob of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and alumscriptins, the res of th Cheescke an a bax a cholates.
Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
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